I don't want to sleep

It's 2am. I should probably sleep. I am tired and I need to wake up 7:30. I have so much on my mind that I don't want to sleep. I want to enjoy theses hours before the start of a new tiring day. For some reason I am feeling nostalgic. I listened to songs I was listening too as a teen and and in my early twenties. Mostly French songs. Romantic, poetic and dramatic. I danced my heart out, barefoot singing to my imaginary public. I cried too. It made me feel better. I used to do this a lot as a teen. I didn't go anywhere else beside my school so I spent my time imagining things. I imagined being in love, suffering from it and sang song about it with all my emotions. I don't know but I feel I could have been a good actor. 

I also remembered writing in my blog and the joy I felt finding someone else's blog. I don't know why but there was something special about these Google blogspot blogs. You could find a random person who just like that for the sake of sharing, write about their life, their feelings and hopes. Now still people do that on Instagram or other social media posts but in the sea of other content these posts get lost. Why I am thinking about what teenage me used to spend her time doing in 2010? I don't know all I know I don't want to sleep. I want time to pause. Tomorrow is just another day, nothing special. Yet I just want to stay in this moment. But life doesn't work like that and I should sleep.

This is home

I filled this small house with everything I could bring, blankets books an oven a fridge, everything I need to make this my home, I learned from previous years that it doesn't help thinking this is temporary so no need to think of it as home, because simply if it isn't then where is it? I don't know if all people need one to feel emotionally stable but for me I certainly need one.

I didn't realize how much I needed one until last week when I went to my parents house, which for some reason I considered home and once I stepped there I wanted to leave and just run, it was frightening to acknowledge that this is not my home anymore and it wasn’t for a long time, my home is that small house between those two villages in the middle of Ait Baha mountains.

It felt sad that I'm so disconnected from my family and that I can't open up and communicate what I feel to the people that mean the most to me but at least I'm glad I have a shelter that I grow to love, a place that I worked so hard to get so.

In a way I’m not seeing what’s happening as tragic, it has always been like this, people leaving their parents’ house, seeking independence, but the transition can’t always be smooth, especially in a patriarchy where it feels like disloyalty to have dreams whitout the guardian’s consent, this struggle won't end soon but till then this is home.

قائمة القراءة لماراثون البوكتيوب

 و أخيرا قمت بإعداد لائحة الكتب التي سأشارك بها في ماراتون القراءة الذي ينظم لأول مرة من طرف قناتي زكرياء و بيان، ماراتون البوكتيوب هو اسبوع يخصص للتحفيز على القراءة يبدأ من 30 يونيو لينتهي يوم 05 غشت، الكتب المختارة يجب أن تحترم سبع تحديات، لم استطع احترامها كلها حاولت أن أبقى واقعية لأتمكن من اكمال الكتب المختارة خلال الاسبوع، و هذه هي اختياراتي:

االيوم الأول

- كتاب لا يتجاوز 100 صفحة: في انتظار غودو للكاتب صمويل بيكيت

اليوم الثاني و الثالث

كتاب تحول لفيلم: المحاكمة للكاتب فرانس كافكا 

اليوم  الرابع

كتاب في غلافه صورة انسان: When Breath Becomes Air by Paul Kalanithi

اليوم الخامس

كتاب صوتي: مزرعة الحيوان للكاتب جورج أورويل 

اليوم السادس و اسابع

كتاب مقترح من بوكتويبر:Eating Animals  by  Jonathan Safran Foer

أنا جد متحمسة لهذا الأسبوع، سأحاول ما أمكن أن أصل للهدف و هو قراءة الخمس كتب كاملة، سأقوم بتوتيق تقدمي على مدونتي، و إذا سمحت الظروف سأقوم بتصوير فيديو عن التجربة ككل عند انتهاء ماراتون القراءة.

Recent reads

So I had been reading a bit, not much but enough to write a post about. So those are the books I read in the last few months.

Dans le jardin de l’ogre by Leila Slimani :

I chose this book to introduce me to Laila Slimani, this author that became well known after winning Le prix Goncourt for her book Chanson douce, I knew so much information about the winning book that it made me not really excited to read it; so I instead picked  Dans le jardin de l’ogre. the book tells the story of a woman who lost all passion in life and seeks excitement in sex and that’s it, the story itself isn’t bad it’s actually interesting, but still I didn’t enjoy reading the book, I wished there was more to the book, specifically I wished there was something from morocco in it and I was disappointed there was none, I know that the author owns to no one writing stories about Moroccans characters or stories that happen in morocco but I just want when reading to a Moroccan author to find something about morocco in it. 

مطبخ الحب و يوميات سندباد الصحراء لعبد العزيز الراشدي :

Abdelaziz Errachidi an author I discovered this year and that I was lucky enough to meet, I read two books by him " مطبخ الحب " and “يوميات سندباد الصحراء” both books are worth reading and are writing in a really good style, the first is a fiction story that follows the life of a journalist, throughout the story we go back in time with him to discover more about his personal life but also about the political changes that morocco went through during that period of time, the second book is a non fiction book were Abdelaziz Errachidi takes us with him to different countries and cities he was invited to visit and stay at, it was an interesting read

العربي الأخير لواسني الأعرج :

This book has more than 400 page in it, a science fiction about atomic bombs and an arab scientist, plus there is references to my favorite book 1984 by George Orwell. The book looks promising but it’s a huge waste of paper and time, too much contradictions and things not really smart done by the main character who is supposed to be smart, I don’t know if all the books written by this author are as bad as this one or that just science fiction isn’t something he excels at, both ways I don’t think I’ll be reading something written by him anytime soon

L’amour dans les pays musulmans by Fatima Mernissi : 

This is the second book I read by Fatima Mernissi, the title can be translated to love in the muslim countries, I didn’t really like this book, the title is misleading, it’s an essay about women's beauty standards in different countries in the old days not about love, I was disappointed since I really love Fatima Mernissi, I’ll still read books by her she’s still an inspiration for me I just didn’t like this book by her

Confidence à Allah by Saphia Azzedine:

I don’t know how to talk about this book beside saying it’s amazing, it made me remember how reading a good story makes you feel, it’s a story of a girl in one of morocco’s unknown villages, her relationship with GOD, family, sex and her body, her journey is different yet so familiar, this book is  just a must read book